My Life as Robert

You can say I feel VERY nostalgic considering today is my EX 10 month anniversary and I don’t care if people call me stupid or any other hurtful words I’m just saying how I feel.

“It’s like you’re screaming and no one can hear. You almost feel ashamed that someone could be that important, that without them, you feel like nothing. No one will ever understand how much it hurts. You feel hopeless, like nothing can save you. And when it’s over, and it’s gone, you almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back, so that you could have the good.”

Everyone knows the beginning part from Rihannas video “We Found Love” and it’s sad I’m referencing a music video to my ex relationship AGAIN, because he honestly hated that. I have this thing where I can’t express my feelings like I just suck at it! Here’s a look at my past though. He would write these I would say letters to me at random times of the night and e-mail them to me and it expressed how he felt or parts of his past. Like the hopeless romantic that I am I thought of the movie “The Notebook”, but I turned it into our own version, “The Journal”. So get ready to read, though it doesn’t go far because he stopped writing them of course, but looking back it this just makes me realize someone did love me for me. Regardless of my childish ways at times, my ridiculous anger issues, my youtube & facebook talk, and non-stop pop music culture talk as well.

The Journal

1-11-11

 Preface

I told you I could write a book about you and how much I have grown to love you. I think its love, I hope its love. Well this is the books preface and maybe even page one. When I came home today I got in the shower. Upon stepping in the shower I realized I never received a message back from “him”. This fact worried me because I previously sent “him” a message simply saying “I love you”. So I quickly went back to my phone and noticed I had 2 new messages I feverishly opened the view tab on the new message icon on my phone. Right above Mr. 49’s text message was a text still burning with sparks fresh of the telecommunications network grid. The message preview read, “I love…” I slowly looked to see whom it was from and of course I saw Robert♥. I already knew what the message said but for my own self-satisfaction I opened it. The message said “I love you much more”, I was over zealous with joy so I sat my phone back down and got back in shower. My usual routine went on as it commonly does on weekend nights. I sat down on my comfortable bed and I grabbed my phone to text Robert goodnight and tell him I love him, as I try to do every night, when I realize! The reason I occasionally forget to text him is because I spend anywhere between thirty and forty five minutes trying to articulate how he makes me feel. But time after time I realize words are completely inadequate. I then concluded that words are very adequate I just don’t have the means to write the adequate ones, so I looked towards other methods. After thinking for a few seconds an idea ignites my mind with excitement. I rush for my MAC, I slid my hand across the polished aluminum shell in an almost melodic fashion. Feeling the curves of the magnificent piece of human ingenuity as I swept towards the seam to open it…I stared at the screen as Facebook immediately popped up; I opened a new message and began. My fingers lay on top of the keyboard brushing and scratching at the keys impatiently waiting for a command, they were on edge like Lions on the hunt ready and willing to seek what hearts they may devour. My brain on the other hand was, slow, pensive, and swimming with so many words, thoughts, feelings, and memories. Where to start? There is so much to say, so much which needs to be said. I took a deep breath and thought “this feeling is amazing, knowing that I care for someone enough, though I never thought I would, to scrawl my feelings out and hope my written emotion will paint a portrait of epic proportion greater than anything Robert has ever seen or heard and above all else is adequate.” I realized the only way to start is to just do it, so I put my mind at ease and let my fingers take over. I gave the command and almost instantly they were sprinting and leaping across the keyboard as smoothly and quickly as the lion hunt it. The command instructed my fingers to seek and devour Robert’s heart.

I love you Robert Adam Avila

Chapter 1

Hysteria of History

Hello me love, I am a bit much. Since about 9^th grade I’ve never had a relationship that lasted longer than 3 months. There was a guy by the name of Tony Marmalleow and I could have sworn I was in love with him. But I don’t believe he was in love with me, he rarely returned my phone calls, but when he did he said the nicest sweetest things. Before we were dating he was “straight” and a bit of a player but he claimed all these things changed when it came to me. He was a lot more to handle than I am, we broke up when he ran away from home didn’t call me or at least I didn’t hear from him for 5 days but on the 6^th day I got a text from someone and told me he was found bleeding out from the wrist behind a dumpster. When he finally called me he just wasn’t the same at all. After that we just didn’t talk anymore and we lost touch I was depressed and missed him for a while. And after that I kind of just closed up, I think that’s why I’m not comfortable with hugging people or showing affection to anyone that isn’t you. The cold-hearted bitch thing continued for the following 3 years during this 3-year span I was still “dating” but nothing was serious. Looking back it was a rather pathetic phase of my life; many describe this part of my life as my bitch phase, my whore phase, then my collection phase. I know Jessica called it my bitch phase because I was MEAN like very mean, I think I was mean because I was pissed that the one person I thought matter was torn away from me and I refused to do any self reflection at the same time me and my dad were going through the roughest part of our relationship and my bitterness towards tony was combined with my bitterness toward my dad then aimed at everyone around me. Mainly Jessica because we were dating at the time, well She broke up with me because I was drinking every weekend and sometimes during the week, I cheated on her like at least once a month then when she found out I pretty much told her I didn’t care. During my bitch phase I made her cry I’m sure at least one a week, during school, after school, before school. And I’m forever guilty about that I have tried to make it right with her and apologize and she has forgiving me and moved on but in my opinion a simple apology cant and wont erase all the shit I put her through. Finally when we broke up for the 3^rd and final time I began, what Lauren likes to call, my whore phase.  I continued to party all the time I think Lauren got kind of worried she always joked around calling my an alcoholic and stuff and I think on some level she was serious, and the joking was her bringing it to my attention in hopes id stop myself before I got out of hand. But at these parties I hooked up with many guys. Id skips school all the time to go party id sneak guys into the house at like 2am. I remember once I snuck out at about 12:30am and I went all the way out to carrolwood with this guy to drink and well…. do the do…and afterwards I fell asleep. My dad left me a voice mail at 7:00am saying “I don’t know where you are or what you’re doing but u better have a good time because when u get back home your grounded”.  The guy then took me home and my dad was standing outside. My dad didn’t say a word to me he just began his daily chores and told me to go in the house. I know he was pretty much just thinking, “I give up”. For the next few days my father couldn’t stop yelling at me about stupid things. And as unimportant as the reason for him getting mad was he would always find a way to segway his reason for being mad into my mother being a stupid bitch, their divorce, and me being just like her and her side of the family. It’s weird to say but now I find the stuff he used to say to me actually comical. I remember once he said “people like you don’t believe there’s a god”, I’m sure he meant that I do terrible things to him that hurt his standing as a father figure and are totally disrespectful. This also made me think that he felt like a failure as a father and he believed it was my fault as well as my brother, sister, and my mom. Well not my brother he liked my brother; way more than any of us. He kicked my sister out the house because so was being too disrespectful and apparently what she did was so awful he had to take her name off his will. But I digress; my whore phase was just a mess. Then came the collection phase. This phase actually got its name from the mysterious Mr.49. One day while talking he described me as a collector. He said I date people just so I can have the self satisfaction of knowing they where mine for some sort of time, and after they became mine I didn’t know what to do because I got what I wanted and id break up with them. That cycle took about 3 months, that’s why I said I’m so nervous about us making it that far.  Truthfully I don’t know if I’m out of that cycle yet because Mr.49 told me this about two days after we first met. And the relationship I was in before you was another three-month cycle. His name was Phil and he was in cosmetology school and now works at international mall as a hair stylist. However there was a long time in between him and you and in that time I think my outlook on relationships has changed. I swore three things I wouldn’t get in a relationship again with someone I just wanted to have sex with, I would get to know someone better before I get in a relationship with him, and I would wait as long as I possibly could to have sex with him. Hint why I asked you if you were a very sexual person and was relieved when you said with a hesitation in the cutest tone “not really”. I think we had sex too soon and as soon as we did I lost interest in you and wanted to dump you, but Madison insisted I didn’t and Mr.49 posed the question “why am I with you in the first place”. I then realized there’s more to being in a relationship than just sex hanging out and being cute together. I stuck with it pushed through my compromising feelings and here I am today writing this chapter. You have become something wild to me but that’s for another chapter. 

Chapter 2

 Nothing and Nowhere

This chapter isn’t the best chapter its actually one of the worst and possibly the last chapter to this novel. Well in the past three months I have managed to find the love of my life, never could be happier, and piss it all away. What I did to disserve and actually find this love, I actually don’t know and honestly I probably don’t disserve it, but I’m happy anyway. Well this chapter is titled nothing and nowhere because right now Robert (the love of my life, the air I breath, the sun in my day, and the moon in my night) and I are no longer together. Yes, now is the time to stop reading and cry for a little while. But this unfortunate event was my own doing, in my opinion I was taken advantage of while in a very emotional state, but excuses are the tools of the incompetent used to build monuments of nothing that are seldom good for anything. That being said we are no longer together. However Robert says he still loves me and he wants to come back but he’s so hurt, he doesn’t know if he can ever trust me again, and he needs some time. Unfortunately his actions right after that said the exact opposite but I think we have cleared that up and everything’s been stable for now. I’m just so upset that all this happened, honestly I’ve been cheated on but I’ve never been hurt by it because I’ve never cared for any of my boyfriends. So I can’t say that I feel for him because I don’t know how it feels however I do understand because I could only imagine how I would feel if he was the one who did this to me. This whole relationship is a learning process because I have never loved anyone like this before; honestly my heart didn’t work three months ago. But in those three months this odd kid has turned my world upside down and inside out, and if I could go back and do it all over again I would in a heartbeat, minus what lead to our break up of course. Words really can’t express who he is to me; I generally refer to him as the love of my life because it’s true. I know myself very well and I know I will not find another Robert, he is almost my physical description of the perfect man. The only thing that I said I would love in a hubby that he doesn’t pose is a slight accent. And he only gets better once u get to know him, he’s kind, he’s ambitious, he’s smart, he’s loving, he’s honest, he’s forthright, he’s respectful, he’s cultured, he’s perfection the best man I ever met and could ever hope to be fortunate enough to meet and marry. He’s my world. But I digress, he says he needs time to think and in my opinion if he loves me and believes me when I say I won’t do this again then there should be no debating at all. One thing I do pride myself on with this whole situation that I do think he over looks is my honesty. My trust has been violated but not obliterated, through everything that has happened I have never lied to him or went back on a promise. When all of this happened I tried to meet up with him as soon as possible to tell him in person, three days went by and I still hadn’t told him so I decided the longer I wait the worse it will be and I told him the best way I could at that moment. I didn’t want to because I was afraid this would happen but I had to, not only because it was the right thing to do but also because if I didn’t tell him our entire relationship would have been built on a lie and those types of things never last. I want more than anything for us to last. Also even after the mess the crying, screaming, and throwing stuff I still wrote that paper he asked me to write a week or so before all this happened. I didn’t want to, I don’t think I was together enough to write a paper but I said I would so I tried my hardest. That and I want the best for him and his life whether it be with me or someone else, he’s an amazing person inside and out and he disserves everything he’s ever wanted and dreamed for in his life. And I’ll be damned before I let something like us breaking up and an unfinished paper gets in-between him and his dreams. I don’t think I could deal with being responsible for breaking his heart AND failing his class. It gets better he also asked how much money I wanted for doing his paper. I was beside myself almost to the point of being angry. Honestly he broke up with me he took everything from me, I was no longer able to breathe without feeling like there’s a hole tearing through my chest and he wants to give me money. There is nothing on this earth he could give me that would compare to what he took away. I’m so glad that pain subsided it was way too much, the pain even woke me up a few times I really didn’t know your emotions can affect your physical body so intensely. This whole situation just sucks. I’m so scared that he’s going to move before he makes a decision and meet someone else or just straight up forget about me, but only time will tell. And the likelihood of him meeting someone else is pretty good because well let’s be honest Roberts an all around perfect catch, that and so many of his “friends” that are gay have been lusting after him since day one. But that’s irrelevant, I’m hoping that he decides to come back because honestly I know he’s moving and I know I’ll see him even less but I’m willing to work through that. Also right now not seeing him isn’t as hard as it was. What’s really killing me is the simple fact that where not “us” again. I miss texting him and knowing that made his day a little better, I miss kissing him when he’s upset, I miss being there when he wants to talk, I miss him loving me, I miss his smile, I miss listening to him bitch about his job, I miss his voice, I miss hearing him say I love you and knowing he means it beyond the shadow of a doubt, I just miss everything. Honestly I’m over attention from other guys if that attention leads to things like this then every other guy on the face of this earth can drop dead. I also find it funny that as soon as Robert breaks up with me the only guys that look attractive look exactly like him the only guy I want to look well for is him the only guy whose opinion matters is his. I’m doing everything in my power to convince him to come back but I don’t think it’s working and it worries me. I planned out the best date ever and I knew he would have loved it but that didn’t work out and I also began writing a little song for him so I can bring a guitar to his window and play it for him some night. Well I called him a little while ago and he didn’t answer so I guess I’ll wait till another day to go play for him.  I don’t know if it the universe that’s trying to get in-between him and me or if he’s secretly dropping me hints to just stop and I’m not picking them up. But if it’s the universe which I hope it is I’m ready to fight every last person place or thing in the universe that will stand in my way of getting to him. I want to get back together not only because I know ill never find anyone like him and I know I’ll never feel the same way about someone (that’s one thing I know 110%) but because I want to live past 32 now. I’ve always said I want to die young at 32 it’s the perfect age. I don’t anymore I want a long bright future with him. I want to move to NY or somewhere far with him I want to struggle with bills, make cute date nights at home because were too broke to go out, I want to do our laundry together, I want to sit in the tub after a long day at work and hold him and kiss him and love him till he’s relaxed and about to fall asleep, I want to wait at the end of the isle for him, I want to come up with some awesome way to propose to him, and I don’t want him to ever feel like he isn’t the most important man in my life or feel like he isn’t loved. I can’t wait to write chapter 12 “the wedding” or something.  Well it’s getting late and this chapter is going to have to come to a close but Robert where ever you are if you’ve read this far I want to say I love you more than I’ve ever loved anything. I don’t know how but you’ve dug your claws so far in me If you were to leave for good you’d take a large section of my heart with you that I don’t think I could ever replace. I owe you a lifetime of commitment, dedication, and happiness.  And I owe you a proper apology in person for sure but I can never apologize enough for how badly I hurt you so I’ll give you one more in writing before I give the final apology in person.

Robert Adam Avila you are the single most important thing in my life and I love you more than anything iv ever known, What I did was inexcusable and wrong and I will never be able to undo what I did, but I am sorry that I betrayed you, I’m sorry I betrayed “us”, I’m sorry I betrayed your trust, and I’m sorry I hurt you. I promise if you find it in your heart to take me back I will never do anything that will hurt you like that ever again, and I promise I will make sure you never regret deciding to take me back.

But as of now we are nothing and we are nowhere.

Chapter 3

1.11.11

                Well, since the last chapter I have realized that when people say loves not easy they defiantly mean it. Since chapter two we have defiantly made it somewhere, u decided you cant live without me despite whatever was going on in your head. You said you swallowed your pride and wanted to try this again but you never came to me and told me that personally or asked me back out again. If it weren’t for everyone in our business I probably would have never known that and never would have decided to text you the night that I did. Honestly after I read your facebook status and your tumblr I was going to wait to see if you would text me but you never did so I decided maybe I shouldn’t be pride stricken. Maybe we should both give it our all and stop worrying about who seems like there in control or who’s pride is intact. I thought that if we constantly sat around thinking “I’m not going to text him he should be texting me and apologizing to me because he’s wrong” and passing the blame we would have never even made it to square one and neither one of us would end up in a good relationship.  Well we got back together and our anniversary date is staying 1.11.11 just because it’s easier for me to remember. And in this month we will be at our 6-month mark, well 7 including the month we broke up. I feel like we both have a better understanding of each other I also feel like we both appreciate each other more and we both know more about relationships. For example I’ve learned when you’re mad u try to act like a bad ass bitch who doesn’t care about anything but himself who’s super self confident and knows there will always be something better, you don’t do it as bad anymore or maybe I haven’t pissed you off enough to tell. I think I’ve learned that you can be in love with someone but not be infatuated with him or her. Because a long time ago when we were at ballist point I looked at you in the dark in your car and I doubt very seriously that you noticed how I looked at you but I have never seen anyone like I saw you that night. I literally saw every ounce of happiness and every hope of a brilliant future written all over your face, I said I loved you right after that and I never meant it as much as I did at that exact moment. Well anyway, after we got back together I didn’t know if I still loved you, but I figured I did because when ever I was intoxicated you were the only thing I talked about, thought about, wanted to see, or anything. I believe beyond the shadow of a doubt that a drunken mind speaks a sober heart. That’s why I decided to get back together with you I figured if your in my heart when I’m drunk then my inhibitions what’s not allowing me to feel like im still in love with you. If nothing else I fell in love with you once and I’m sure it could happen a second time, I was willing to try anything. Shortly after we got back together I started feeling things again, which was a good sign. I know this may sound weird but I can literally feel when my heart turns on and off. When its off I feel numb in my chest it doesn’t hurt it just feels empty and people cant get emotions out of me not one, but when its on the numb feeling goes away and people can evoke emotion out of me. For example if someone called you an asshole while my heart was off I would say now he’s not (just because If I agreed I would sound like a bitchy bitter ex) and that would be it, but when my hearts on I usually walk away or tell that person to stop talking because I get mad, I can feel a burning in my chest, my muscles get tense, and my thoughts get irrational. Well not irrational because reaching across a table and slamming a kid’s head against the table until it cracked makes total sense but usually I don’t think doing stuff like that will make me feel better so I don’t. However when my hearts on that head cracking thought makes perfect sense and it will make me feel better. There’s nothing in my mind telling me not to do it. But I digress, now that were back together I don’t feel the same way I did I know that I love you because every now and again you’ll make a face or I’ll look at you and ill see you how I did at ballist point, and u managed to turn my heart back on. When I don’t see you or I’m not with you I think my heart turns back off because your just Robert the guy im dating and in love with, all those words don’t feel like anything. But as soon as I get a text from you, or you say you miss me, or I see you I feel like I did before we split, I feel like all the words mean something, I feel like everything’s perfect now. WOW I just came to realize I don’t think I have a heart, I think you’re my heart. Don’t you find it funny that when your not around I don’t feel anything but as soon as your in the equation I get mad, I get happy, I get sad. I literally think you’re my heart.

Today just a few hours ago you got mad at me because I didn’t talk to you for a day and you thought I was mad at you for something you didn’t disserve. You of course put it on your facebook and I saw it and asked you what was wrong and you replied in the tone I hate. Its this tone you used with me a lot while we were apart, its hard to describe but its very awful. You sounds calm and reserved, you speak as little as possible, and your choice of words suggest no positive or negative emotions, and that lack of emotion comes off slightly cold and bitchy. I never know what to think of this tone but it makes my heart drop every time. When u get like that I try and chose my words very carefully because I know (no offense to you BUT…) I know you let your anger get the best of you sometimes and I never want to say anything that will push you once your at that point. I’m afraid you’ll get pissed off and break up with me again. Honestly I’m tired of referencing the break up I’m tired of that moment in time even existing because I know it haunts both of us. Every time we’re not perfectly 100% happy together we both start thinking about that month.

            Well there really isn’t much left to say I’m glad your back and I’m glad we made it through that rough patch, I think we both know now how much of ourselves were going to have to put into this if we want it to work. And I think we also learned how much of ourselves were going to have to put aside if we want this to work out. We’re closer now and as of Tuesday last week I know for a fact I still love you with all my heart. Were passed the cute part of a relationship now were into the real relationship part, the part where we star learning each other inside and out, all our little secrets, quirks, and habits good and bad. I have a good feeling about this and I hope you do to. As of now I lift the “not saying I love you” edict. However I still won’t be saying it very often because I don’t feel comfortable saying it I’m not a very affectionate person and I honestly don’t think it properly explains how I feel about you, it’s just not enough. And before I forget I’d like to say I know what I’m getting you for the next special occasion.

                                                           THE END

Well I’m not sure how everyone feels, but I’m sure it’s mixed feelings. I’m not posting this because I’m trying to get YOUR attention, but for myself. As of 11.11.11 I officially will, “keep moving forward” it hurts to leave you in my past, however it’s evident you don’t want things to be fixed and I can’t say anymore to make you stay. Yes I will always love and you’ll forever have a spot in my heart it kinda hurts just writing this… Well Kyle I will always be here for you as a friend if you ever need anything.